


Tonight it All Lays Still

by MissIzzy



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:22:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27820666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissIzzy/pseuds/MissIzzy
Summary: One night together in the tower.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 20
Kudos: 231





	Tonight it All Lays Still

**Author's Note:**

> Written between the airing of episodes 117 and 118.

Just being in the tower was a relief. Any excitement of what is to be found in Eiselcross has been drained out of Essek simply from having to deal so constantly with the people here, the wormkin especially, who fill him with an undefined dread. He missed all his friends, who in their absence stood out in his mind as so different from the sort of people who normally fill his life, and he'll freely admit to himself he missed Caleb especially. There is a good deal he will now admit to himself about Caleb Widogast.

Although standing now in what he's pretty sure is an Assembly torture chamber, up above all of the parts of the tower Caleb had so lovingly crafted for everyone, he does face a reminder of how much he and the other wizard do have in common. Yet at the same time, the fact that he's wallowing in here also illustrates the one great difference between the two of them. The one that makes both their hearts ache, for almost opposite reasons.

Caleb doesn't even ask how he got up here, or wait for any questions from him. "Ikithon took us here," he said. "And we weren't the ones being subjected to unpleasant things in this particular room."

Essek has visualized various scenarios in which he might kill Trent Ikithon, evaluated ways of making slower and more painful. Unfortunately, most of the ones he's come up with so far would likely have the sort of political fallout the Nein seem to very badly want to avoid. He suspects Caleb wouldn't forgive him if he carried any of those out, especially because he'd realize Essek cared less about what Ikithon had done, and mostly that he'd done it to _him_.

He's not sure he won't do it anyway, one of these days.

Things might even go sour as early as tomorrow, when they begin the complicated process of dealing with a different member of the Assembly being dead, and attempting to avoid arrest or the resumption of war while doing so. But tonight, Essek can sit down next to Caleb on the filthy floor and say, "You shouldn't sleep up here."

"I won't, not tonight," the human replies. "I'll just be here for...." He drifts off.

That alone is sufficient justification for the proposal Essek has been entertaining in his free moments for much of the past day. Indeed, the thought of leaving Caleb here, all alone, with no certainly of just when he would end this self-torment, gives Essek the courage to speak, and this he needs courage for.

"I have been thinking about the two of us," he says. "I am aware, of course, of certain aspects of your training, and I am not so much a fool as to not think you were using them when you spoke to me the way you did back on your ship. I don't hold that against you," he's sure to add, because he knows exactly what's going through Caleb's mind. "But I am aware of how it can complicate things.

Still," and here's where he needs the courage, strange as that may seem, "I don't think it would cause too much trouble, afterwards, if you took me to bed tonight."

Caleb visibly stiffens even before he nearly gapes at him, shocked probably by both the offer and by the open want in Essek's voice.

Essek sees guilt in him, too, and he says, "I know I'm not whom you want most. One night wouldn't interfere with that, I think."

But there Caleb shakes his head. "She's going to choose Fjord anyway. As well she should."

"I would assume neither of those things, but it's not worth arguing about tonight. You know I can't make any commitment to you anyway. Just tell me you genuinely desire me, and that's enough."

"I do," Caleb breathes, he reaches out and grips Essek's hand, probably tighter than he intended. The human's skin has always been hot, but now Essek feels the heat of it spark up his arm. It's been years since he's been with anyone, and he can't even remember wanting someone this much.

He's pretty sure it's been a significant amount of time for Caleb as well, and as a short-lived human, Essek suspects he must feel it more. "Come downstairs," he whispers, and Caleb nods.

"Your rooms," he says as they stand up. The rooms Essek has only been in briefly so far, though long enough to note how well Caleb created a small version of his home back in Roshona. Essek has already told Caleb how impressed he is by the work he's put into this creation of his, but there are feelings besides that which seeing it fills him with, ones he's not ready to put into words yet.

As they make their way down, Essek ventures a second important topic. "You're not also berating yourself for what happened in Aeor?"

"We all did what we had to do there," says Caleb. That isn't an answer, but Essek doubts he'll get much more out of him right now.

He's only just closed the door to the suite behind them when Caleb catches him by surprise, grabbing him and kissing him ferociously. For a split second Essek wants to pull away, because this is overwhelming. But then he feels the fire rising up through his body, and he instead winds his hands through his thick hair and returns his kisses, too eager now to feel any shame or embarrassment as he normally might have.

But then Caleb pulls away, and asks, "Is this too much? I may...." His voice is choked with desire, and it knocks into Essek even more than the force of his passionate embrace did. "...not have realized how much I wanted this?"

Essek looks this lusty human man in the eyes, reflects briefly on a few of the fantasies that have come to him on recent quiet nights, and replies, "Show me how much you want me."

"I do that, I'll probably end up taking you right here against the door."

That's a tempting thought, but Essek's not sure if it wouldn't wreck havoc with his back. "Get me over to the bed first, and then show me."

Caleb actually wraps his arms around Essek like he's picking him up and carrying him. He's not, because Essek is still using his own power to keep himself above the floor, but just the idea of it sends a rather disturbing thrill through the drow.

He hasn't been in Essek's actual bedroom, of course, so he had to make guesses there. He wasn't that far off in the room's shelving or lighting. The bed is much bigger and more luxurious. Essek doubts Caleb cares about how inaccurate that may be. It's very soft when he lands on it.

The next few minutes are a flurry of trying to kiss and undress simultaneously. Except Caleb seems far more interested in getting Essek naked than taking anything off himself, and he's still got most of it on when Essek is completely bare beneath him. Essek would protest this situation, except Caleb's tongue is doing things to his neck and collarbone that are extremely distracting.

And that's before he reaches Essek's chest, and his mouth draws a hot trail to one of his nipples before closing around it and sucking hard. Essek can't even remember the last time someone did that to him, but it feels good enough to wring a moan out of him, and then another one as Caleb's hand finds his other nipple and does something quick with his fingers that feels even better.

Except then he does something with his nails that instead makes Essek yelp in pain, and barely a moment later Caleb's hastily climbing off of him, stuttering his apologies. Essek grabs him by the arm to stop him, but doesn't pull him back. For a moment or so, they stay that way, awkwardly waiting for one of them to say something more.

Finally, Essek says, "I would like to see a little more of you. At least take the shirt off." Caleb's shirt is hanging open, and more of his chest is visible than not, but it remains on.

He sees the hesitation, and then Caleb says, "This will not be a pleasant sight."

"I would not expect it to be." He's already got a number of scars exposed anyway, etchings scattered across his pale skin, and while they're probably mostly from the last year or so, he can guess that Caleb has more systematic, older scars somewhere. "I have seen many, many ugly sights, Caleb. I won't turn away."

He's slow in taking off the shirt, and Essek sees the slight tremble as he reaches his sleeves. So he anticipates the residuum scars before he sees them. The rage he feels when he does is much less expected. It's a useless feeling at the moment, and it takes him too many breaths to expel it.

Essek knows Caleb's considered handsome by human standards. They probably wouldn't consider him bulky. He's certainly not half as built as a few of his friends. But Essek likes the look of his limbs, just strong enough to hold him down, and the hands that are more clever than not, and full of heat.

Except right now, he's still looking anxious, as he says, "I'm afraid I don't know much....especially about doing this with non-humans. I've only ever been with two humans, and I suppose...neither of them minded it too rough. We were all three of us suffering much worse than that at the time."

For a moment, Essek can only feel more sorrow. He takes another to think about it further, then says, "I do not need to be handled like some delicate instrument. I've had time to think about this, and I want very much for you to fuck me into this mattress." And how Caleb's eyes darken at those words. "Do you object to that? I assure you, it can be done without you hurting me."

"I would like to do that," Caleb replies. "Eventually. But let me do a little more of this first. I've had time to think about this too."

He's more careful, though. His hands feel like they're teasing Essek, tracing their way over his stomach, some of the strokes sending shivers spiraling out from where they brush him. But when Caleb again lowers his mouth to Essek's body, his tongue is wonderful and warm and wet, and it finds places that leave him writhing.

Caleb's not the only one who's waited so long to touch, though. Essek reaches his own hands down, runs them over skin that now seems hotter than ever, feels his shoulder and back before Caleb slides down further, hovering his mouth over where Essek's hard and straining.

He just stares at it hungrily for a moment, before Essek says, "If you want to do it, please, do it."

The sight of Caleb hungrily sliding his mouth down onto his cock is too much, and Essek lets go and gives himself over to the pleasure. It builds up all too fast, and the enthusiasm with which Caleb's moving his mouth up and down only works him up further, until after too short a time he comes, more loudly than he thought he would, while Caleb also moans his appreciation-and doesn't seem to have any trouble swallowing, even out of practice as he is.

"Come here," Essek murmurs, and he feels a different kind of fervor now, the kind that makes him want just to hold Caleb close and feel him breathe against him. But when Caleb is pulled upward, unresisting, his more carnal desires rise up again, shockingly strong still, especially since now he, too, can touch properly. He avoids touching his arms too much, unsure how he'd react to that, but he can properly get a feel of his chest before moving his own mouth downward, getting gasps out of Caleb as he explores him with his tongue.

Caleb shifts, and suddenly Essek is very aware of his cock brushing against his thigh through his pants. "Get those off," he hisses.

The shelves by the bed contain bottles as well as books, and the oil in one of them will work well enough for their purposes. For a brief moment after his eyes fall on it, Essek wonders if some part of Caleb thought they just might need it. Then he pulls himself up and reaches out-it's just close enough for him to grab without leaving the bed. Just so Caleb can't fail to get the message, he puts the bottle in front of him, then turns onto his hands and knees.

He gets a good look at Caleb's cock while he does it. It's not frighteningly big, but it's nice and full, and seeing it makes Essek's own twitch with how badly he wants it inside his own body.

But of course Caleb goes slow, opening him up. He has to, Essek supposes, though he wonders at how the man's hands seem so shaky, at least at first, though they steadied as he finally got one generously oiled finger in, then another.

When he hits the right spot, Essek gasps and whines and pushes back, doesn't even try to stop himself, really. "So that does work for elves," he hears Caleb murmur, not even like he didn't know that, necessarily, but like he still wasn't sure of it. But now that he is, he starts aiming for it, offsetting the slight pain with sharp spikes of pleasure. By the time Caleb adds the third finger, Essek's slumped forward and clutching the sheets. It's hurting a little more, but he's past giving a damn, and anyway, that stops long before Caleb finally pulls them out.

He tries not to put too much of his weight on Essek when he gets into position, but it still presses him down just a little further. The effect feels like flames running through him all over, and then again, fanning out from his core, when he feels the first press of Caleb's cock between his cheeks.

Caleb first takes him with a slow, careful glide, as well as a low moan. It feels good, the burn even, somehow, making it feel even better, but Essek wants more. "Harder," he hisses.

"Patience," Caleb hisses back, his accent turned thick, as he bottoms out. "I'll fuck you as you want, I promise. I know you can be very, very patient."

Under most circumstances, yes, patience is one of Essek's strong suits. He's finding the current ones to be very much another matter. The drag of Caleb's cock as he pulls out and then pushes back in is too much for that. Essek pushes back, even as he feels the stretch turn harsh again, and demands, "Harder. Now."

He hears a growl, before Caleb pushes him further down-which does far more to him than even the fantasy of it did. As did the human's, "You don't command me. Noone does, not anymore."

"Please." He can beg Caleb, he reminds himself. He's not like those who would inevitably use it against him. "Please."

"I've got you, Essek." Caleb's voice turns soft then, and he presses himself to Essek's back. He runs kisses around the top of his spine, then reaches a hand down to where Essek's now half hard. He doesn't even think he can come again tonight, but his body feels loose and greedy, wanting everything from Caleb it can get, and so does he. Caleb's light, teasing touches threaten to drive him out of his mind completely.

And that's before, at last, Caleb starts speeding up. It's a little gradual, but then it's there, Caleb's thrusts now hard enough to push him up the bed, even as he buries his face in it to muffle moans he might otherwise wake the whole tower with. His teeth find the sheets; he might tear them apart. Caleb's quieter, letting out mostly grunts, but they're almost non-stop, except when he's instead using his mouth to suck on Essek's neck or ravish his ears or even scrape his blunt teeth across his shoulders.

He holds it out for what feels like a gloriously long time, until Essek's a complete mess underneath him, moans dissolving into whimpers and using all he has left to brace himself against how Caleb's pounding him. Until his hips start to stutter, and from where his legs are locked over Essek's they're starting to tremble just a little, and he gasps out something less than coherent and probably not even in Common. His hands have long abandoned Essek's dick, which isn't getting fully hard again, and have gone from roaming to gripping into his chest.

Essek wants to tell him he can come, that he's done enough for his lover, but he'll never get the words together. Instead he just pushes back again, just a little this time, and squeezes his ass down hard. That's more than Caleb can withstand; he lets out a sharp cry and shudders against Essek as he comes hot and wet inside of him.

Before Essek even has time to think anything further, he feels tears land on his back. Twisting himself around, he sees Caleb hastily wiping them away as he pulls out. Essek's ass is now pulsing with pain, suddenly determined to let him know how sore it's been left, but he feels rather detached from that as he flips himself over. But the moment Caleb sees the concern on his face, he hastily says, _"Entschuldigung,"_ and moves to clean them up.

"You are not apologizing for this," Essek protests. "Surely you know by now I won't use it against you if you tell me what's wrong, and I want to know. And if you're feeling guilty for doing what we just did, please don't. Have I not made it clear I was good with it under our current conditions?"

"It's not that simple," sighs Caleb, but he doesn't elaborate further. With them both more or less cleaned, he turns and starts looking about for his clothes.

"I'd like it if you stayed." Odd, how Essek now has no qualms about admitting that.

A moment's pause. Essek's heart, newly returned to its normal rate, is once again beating faster, far too much so. Then, "If you wish it."

They unmake the bed without talking further. The sheets are a little ripped, but nothing that will cause trouble for one night. Under the covers, Caleb turns away, but when Essek, after blowing the candles out, moves to lie against his back, he not only doesn't protest, but even seems to relax a little.

The soreness has dulled into an oddly comforting ache, and the bed really is nice and soft, best Essek's slept in in months. He's almost always slept alone since his childhood, but tonight he doesn't mind too much a warm weight and the sound and feeling of another man breathing.

He's feeling about ready to drop off when Caleb whispers in the dark, "I've been thinking. Since we left Balenpost I've tried not to, but since...things with Lucien...have been over...success or failure, what do we do if we all have to go until exile? Even if we don't end up wanted by the Empire, if you get exposed, we'll all have to run together. We do have at least one friend on Taldorei, if we can track her down..."

"You hardly have to flee the Kryn for my sake," Essek protests. "Would all of you even be willing to? Remember, all you have to do is say I betrayed you, and you wouldn't even be lying."

"I suppose if you could get away without us, there's a chance we'd just let you. I don't know. But...I think I might not want to."

"Caleb." Essek fights the urge to grab Caleb and force him to turn over and look at him. "I think you would have more to lose than you realize. Including your friends."

"My friends are my family," Caleb says, and Essek can tell it's a lot for him to say even that out loud. "I can't deny they still come before you, maybe always will. Yet..."

Then he is silent for some time, and Essek even wonders if maybe he'll fall asleep, though he knows he himself won't for hours, not if the conversation ends there. Then he says, "I haven't really dared hope for a future beyond the immediate days, weeks, months at most, ahead of me, since I was seventeen. But if we don't end up dead or in prison, and neither of us does something else to make this impossible...since I met you, I have sometimes had idle dreams of what a life with the two of us could be like. It is a strange thought for me, that I could not only be happy with someone, but I could maybe even make them happy."

"That is a strange thought for me as well," says Essek. He's been relatively happy living alone, or, at least, never unhappy enough to make any real effort to not do so. Except...there was one moment, when he had visited the Nein in the Xhorhaus, when he thought it would be nice to live there with them, to be a member of their odd family. He supposes many a long-term lover of Caleb might actually be accepted into their home, except that doesn't mean he himself would be. He's not ready to voice any of that out loud, though.

But there is one other obstacle they've already brought up tonight, and he can get himself to ask about this, "I didn't think we'd have to talk about this again tonight, but...what of her?"

"I suppose I couldn't blame you for rejecting me on those grounds," Caleb sighs. "Noone likes being a second choice." He's missed the point. If Essek believed, as Caleb himself obviously does, that he stood no chance, he would be perfectly happy to have him instead look to what he can have.

"And," he continues, haltingly, "I don't think it would ever be as simple as falling out of love with her, because...it's something else I've only realized in recent days, because I spent a long time believing I couldn't love anyone anymore, at least until Nott barged her way in...and since seeing Astrid and Eadwulf again, I've realized there is only one person I've ever stopped loving-and him I have to hate instead.

What I think that all means is...once I start caring about someone, I don't stop. Ever. They are always important to me. I won't ever leave them behind, not completely."

Of course he doesn't fail to understand exactly what Caleb is saying. And because he does, Essek has to reach over, he's not even sure what for, and ask, his voice all too unsteady, "How sure are you of that?"

"I am very sure of it." It's too dark for Caleb to see anything, so his hand fumbles about a bit, but then it finds Essek's and closes around it.

Essek curls his fingers around that hand, clings onto it. He knows better than to cling to much, but he must cling to this, to the first promise made to him in his adult life that he can believe in.


End file.
